I was sitting in a bible study with a friend and his father and others. Sitting there wondering what I was doing there. I did not believe the words or ideas being exchanged, cynical and aloof I was. Then I listened and I watched how my friend interacted with his father, respect, acceptance, honesty, challenge, were the things I witnessed. The love between the two was obvious and effortless. I was overcome with emotion, yearning for what they have, feeling sick inside because I did not. My father and I were ships that passed in the night never connecting, never really trying. He was a salesman, the best in his company and we lived comfortably and privileged because of his efforts.
Yet for all his success, his effortless ability to talk to anyone, his constant absence from travel, we had nothing but disdain and space between us. My effort to change that was rare, insincere and glib. I was focused on the things I was putting in my body to numb it all away. That I did with great success and was the first place I realized I could lead others, leading them to join me in my numbing so I felt seen.
Yet that day something in me softened, not for my father but for this god my friend followed. I started to listen, to read, to attend, to question. I questioned the ideas my new friends pushed on me, I questioned why I was so reluctant to give in, give up and just follow their god. I wanted desperately to be seen, heard, to belong. I jumped in headfirst.
I went from quiet spectator to sold out fanatic. Quickly did I grow and climb and accept. I soon became the one leading the men’s bible study and the group was growing. I was living on a diet of words, ideas, doctrine that satisfied my curiosity. You see I am naturally a contrarian, seeing things obtusely and innocently. I had not grown up in this new world, so I had a freedom to question and explore that others did not seem to have or desire. I enjoy drawing others into a discussion, an argument some say. My intent is not to shame of degrade but to challenge and in turn learn. Learn why, how, when, what this new world is all about.
Yet from the start there was a question, a disconnect as to how all the words, the teaching, the accepting we so easy for so many. Even with this subtle angst I enrolled in seminary and soon achieved a Masters of Divinity. I was seen as an up-and-coming leader, or at least I thought others saw the same. You see what I saw as healthy discussion others, leaders, friends, teachers, mentors saw it as a danger, something to fear.
Equipped with my new arsenal of knowledge and degree I pursued a place leading this world that had become my identity. Each time I attempted to become one of those leaders I was refused. This world which I had given all to was rejecting me. I got angry, got vocal, got more cynical. I started writing and published an ezine called 7. I connected with others marginalized by what I have come to call the Evangelical Industrial Complex. As with most empires there was a sparse forum for questions, for push backs, for doubts. With my waning acceptance in the EIC I pivoted to the uprising called the emergent church.
This alternate universe was filled with ones like me, ones rejected, ones doubting, ones questioning. Again, I jumped and started to dialogue, engage and eventually challenge this new apparatus. What surprised me was the result. You see this alternative world had not relinquished the same hierarchy of the world they wanted to diminish. The ones who were seen as leaders made sure their circles were small and insulated from the questioning they had previously thrived on when they attempted to dismantle the EIC. All this new thought, reimagined practices, reimagined forms, reimagined words were all couched in the same tired model. All that had changed were the wine skins, new skins with the same old vintage. I was devastated, disillusioned, angry again. Where was the promise I had embraced on this new path. I felt lost again and really had no place to turn. So, I went back to the familiar community I had left.
I settled into this place; it was like coming home from college for the summer. My mind was still roiling from the upset and angst of my journey in the new world. I once again became a pseudo leader, allowed to attend but not truly embraced and accepted. I was permitted to question, to teach, to challenge as long as it did not push too hard or too deep. When I did that pushing, I got immediate rebuke.
My reintroduction to this familiar world once again rejected me, yet not enough to keep me interested, hopeful that I could have a voice. Then Covid happened and the din from the outrage. No group gatherings, but masks were required. How dare the powers that run our nation demand we the EIC abide by their rules. George Floyd and the silence and the sheltering in privilege. The hypocrisy and arrogance lived out by those I thought were different, I thought were friends, was crippling. I was left with but one choice, to leave and this time I would not go back. All my effort, all my time, all my energy, all my hope, all my identity was wasted. This world I had orbited, and times explored was destroying my soul, my desire, my passion. So I left.
So, here I am today still hopeful, still dissatisfied, still exploring, still curious, still resisting, still contrary. I want to, need to share my words, ideas, hopes and desires to help create a place where all can dwell and thrive. I covet your challenge, your feedback, your ears. I will try to return the same.